Why moving on is the end...

Does it really matter now that you're gone? That your memory still haunts the road and the cars and the gardens.

The wind chokes my breath. I know that life is here with you but I must go. Or she will die.

Will she? She is too young to know love, hate or abandonment. She will know why you chose to do it.

What is her fault? None. I am the reason she is here. Her future rests in my hands.

Her future will always be determined by you, no matter where you are. With me or her. But my future for sure will be nothing but broken.

You are an old soul, a wise one. You can understand. You can survive and gather yourself. 

When you held my hands, you said you would die if I left you. I stayed. Now, my life rests in your hands. How will I survive?

I die everyday a bit, without you. I'd rather die beside her so she'd let me go. Guiltless.

What if it is too late? What if I am not there? What if you knew that you killed me?

I will not let you die. In you I live, with you I die too. 

Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less

I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

Die, die, die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

I do not know...

I do not know how you wake up everyday

I do not know how you make it through the day

I do not know if this pain will ever recede

I do not know if this all that is left to grieve

I do not know how to sleep without you

I do not know the taste of food without you

I do not know the feeling of happiness or sadness

I do not feel anymore without you

I do not know the essence of me

I do not know how to smile or cry

I do not know where to go or hide

I do not know if I should wait or walk away

I do not know if I dreamed it all

I do not know if I will ever dream again

I do not know if I want to be alive

I do not know if I’m dead already

All I know is that one day you happened

One day you stood for hours till my world stopped

One day you made every life I’ve lived make sense

One day you made me see that you were ‘The One’.

In shadows and spaces, a vision of you arises

In pain and doubt, I feel your presence within me

In here and now, you are with me

In everything and nothing, you are to me.

Some enchanted evening- by Perry Como

Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger across a crowded room,
And somehow you know, you know even then,
That somehow you'll see here again and again. 

Some enchanted evening, someone may be laughing,
You may hear her laughing across a crowded room,
And night after night, as strange as it seems,
The sound of her laughter will sing in your dreams.
Who can explain it, who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons, wise men never try. 

Some enchanted evening, when you find your true love,
When you hear her call you across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side and make her your own,
Or all through your life you may dream all alone.
Once you have found her, never let her go,
Once you have found her, never let her go.

I love you because I know no other way....

This is one of my favourite poems. Always brings a smile to my face. Always reminds me that there are no reasons when it comes to Love. The line that makes most sense to me: Where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

With what do I greet thee?

When We Two Parted by Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?—
With silence and tears.

I heard this line the other day in one of my favourite TV shows, Grey’s Anatomy, “This is as bad as it gets. There’s nothing worse that could happen beyond this.” I mean how much can one person hurt, right? How much? 3 months? They say by six months you’ve purged your heart almost and you’re ready to accept the pain and move on, on a conscious level. Subconsciously, you move on when you do not even expect to smile on a sunny day without remembering that you have not remembered the hurt.

The smokescreen is getting worst. Fairytales and dreams are what we are taught to believe like kids and to never give up on them. Like children, we keep up the hope that someday it will be me, my dream.

Hope is all we’ve got and how do we silence the “What ifs”? We try with all our might and with all that is left within us to silence those demons, and all that we are left with is- silence. Rooms and rooms of silence follow me everywhere I go. And even though life is beautiful, that silence has become you. A part of me, a part of you-together forever. 

Reasons come and reasons go

Time has lost its meaning and the days know no season. If I could stop, rewind, replay and redo everything, I would do it all the time. I’ve tried to look through the mist. I’ve tried to search for smiles. I am still searching for a reason to let go and maybe I will never will. More than that, I do not want to find a reason.

Of what good is this life if it were not meant to be lived with the right man. What good is this desire to live, if not for the smile and touch of my best friend. Mistake is just as much a perception. Where O where have thou gone? Does it feel the same without me?

Linen drapes and silken ties, worldly woes and childish cries, do you know the sound of my voice and do you hear me sing?

In a land of neverness, a feeling of sadness seems to grip me forever beneath my skin. I wonder if the seasons will ever turn the same colours for me. I wonder if food will taste the same. I wonder if happiness still has another meaning. I wonder if love means anything beyond us. I wonder if people ever find back their way into love once forgotten. How does one fall back into love when one has erased every emotion that reminds one of a loved one? Isn’t it impossible to feel that that once made you happy but now sad?

Like the deep end of the ocean, with secrets that lie on its ocean bed, for the unfortunate to find lest they meet their fate, I lie still waiting for the storm to calm me down lest I bring upon my own fate! Who will travel those depths to know the ocean?

Wrap a warm blanket around me and sing me a lullaby for the voices within my head are louder than my own. Lock me in a dark room, with black painted walls and gray shadows. I do not want people to figure me out. I do not want to be understood. I want you. I want the man who found me. Who found my smiles and read my thoughts. Who made friendship the best platform between love and nothingness. Who stood and waited till I looked into his eyes and told him, “It’s OK to leave, love and make mistakes.” Who never spent a day without making me feel his day hasn’t begun with my laugh. Who would get my shoes off my feet everyday just to see me squirm. Who would see me eat all the time cause food made me happy and who would slip by my side silently when we both drifted apart. Whose fleeting looks never leave me even when I dream off on a long journey. Whose glances trace my every step as I leave the room just to see me return. Who would reach out his hands to hold my own when we cross the roads. Who would love me till I ask to stop. Who would collect my hair strands from his bed till I mess the sheets again another day. Who would flirt with me when I really get drunk.

They say love happens in a moment but they never tell you how to let go off it. I am still making peace with nothing to hold onto. I am still letting go off. I am still learning to smile without my best friend. I am scared more than anything because I once could see the beauty in everything and today I can see the morbidity that drives one to end his own life. I know what those depraved thoughts feel like. And that is sad. Sadness that I delve in at times.

Today I have realised, the hardest battles are not those fought on the battlefield but those need the sustenance of your self will. I am not letting go off you but I am going to live the way I promised my future grandchildren- a great life to be lived once again! Now I live in your afterglow...

Dedicated to one of my favourite scenes from the movie Avatar :)

Neytiri: You are Omaticaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you may choose a woman. We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.
Jake Sully: I don't want Ninat.
Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.
Jake Sully: Yes, she is a good hunter. But I've already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.
Neytiri: She already has.

Waiting for you

I want you, I need you
Now, not tomorrow
Shivers run down my spine
In my shadow I disappear

Hold me, stronger than the smell of roses
Feel me, like the water flowing through your fingers
See me, like you see you
Love me, like the embrace forever

Oh! pain is but a sweet agony
For with it comes sweeter endings
Sifting through walls in dreams
I know nothing but the memory of you

I will wait, wait till you come by
Wait till love sees a way out
Wait till fear is fearless
Wait till wait is no more...