Monday, 27 December 2010

Reasons come and reasons go

Time has lost its meaning and the days know no season. If I could stop, rewind, replay and redo everything, I would do it all the time. I’ve tried to look through the mist. I’ve tried to search for smiles. I am still searching for a reason to let go and maybe I will never will. More than that, I do not want to find a reason.
Of what good is this life if it were not meant to be lived with the right man. What good is this desire to live, if not for the smile and touch of my best friend. Mistake is just as much a perception. Where O where have thou gone? Does it feel the same without me?
Linen drapes and silken ties, worldly woes and childish cries, do you know the sound of my voice and do you hear me sing?
In a land of neverness, a feeling of sadness seems to grip me forever beneath my skin. I wonder if the seasons will ever turn the same colours for me. I wonder if food will taste the same. I wonder if happiness still has another meaning. I wonder if love means anything beyond us. I wonder if people ever find back their way into love once forgotten. How does one fall back into love when one has erased every emotion that reminds one of a loved one? Isn’t it impossible to feel that that once made you happy but now sad?
Like the deep end of the ocean, with secrets that lie on its ocean bed, for the unfortunate to find lest they meet their fate, I lie still waiting for the storm to calm me down lest I bring upon my own fate! Who will travel those depths to know the ocean?
Wrap a warm blanket around me and sing me a lullaby for the voices within my head are louder than my own. Lock me in a dark room, with black painted walls and gray shadows. I do not want people to figure me out. I do not want to be understood. I want you. I want the man who found me. Who found my smiles and read my thoughts. Who made friendship the best platform between love and nothingness. Who stood and waited till I looked into his eyes and told him, “It’s OK to leave, love and make mistakes.” Who never spent a day without making me feel his day hasn’t begun with my laugh. Who would get my shoes off my feet everyday just to see me squirm. Who would see me eat all the time cause food made me happy and who would slip by my side silently when we both drifted apart. Whose fleeting looks never leave me even when I dream off on a long journey. Whose glances trace my every step as I leave the room just to see me return. Who would reach out his hands to hold my own when we cross the roads. Who would love me till I ask to stop. Who would collect my hair strands from his bed till I mess the sheets again another day. Who would flirt with me when I really get drunk.
They say love happens in a moment but they never tell you how to let go off it. I am still making peace with nothing to hold onto. I am still letting go off. I am still learning to smile without my best friend. I am scared more than anything because I once could see the beauty in everything and today I can see the morbidity that drives one to end his own life. I know what those depraved thoughts feel like. And that is sad. Sadness that I delve in at times.
Today I have realised, the hardest battles are not those fought on the battlefield but those need the sustenance of your self will. I am not letting go off you but I am going to live the way I promised my future grandchildren- a great life to be lived once again! Now I live in your afterglow...
Dedicated to one of my favourite scenes from the movie Avatar :)

Neytiri: You are Omaticaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you may choose a woman. We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.
Jake Sully: I don't want Ninat.
Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.
Jake Sully: Yes, she is a good hunter. But I've already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.
Neytiri: She already has.

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