My shade of vacuum

Why do all good things come to an end?

2011-11-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

Traveling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less

I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

Die, die, die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

There Is Pleasure In The Pathless Woods

2011-11-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more, From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.

~Lord George Gordon Byron

I do not know...

2011-05-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I do not know how you wake up everyday

I do not know how you make it through the day

I do not know if this pain will ever recede

I do not know if this all that is left to grieve

I do not know how to sleep without you

I do not know the taste of food without you

I do not know the feeling of happiness or sadness

I do not feel anymore without you

I do not know the essence of me

I do not know how to smile or cry

I do not know where to go or hide

I do not know if I should wait or walk away

I do not know if I dreamed it all

I do not know if I will ever dream again

I do not know if I want to be alive

I do not know if I’m dead already

All I know is that one day you happened

One day you stood for hours till my world stopped

One day you made every life I’ve lived make sense

One day you made me see that you were ‘The One’.

In shadows and spaces, a vision of you arises

In pain and doubt, I feel your presence within me

In here and now, you are with me

In everything and nothing, you are to me.

Some enchanted evening- by Perry Como

2011-04-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger across a crowded room,
And somehow you know, you know even then,
That somehow you'll see here again and again.

Some enchanted evening, someone may be laughing,
You may hear her laughing across a crowded room,
And night after night, as strange as it seems,
The sound of her laughter will sing in your dreams.
Who can explain it, who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons, wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening, when you find your true love,
When you hear her call you across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side and make her your own,
Or all through your life you may dream all alone.
Once you have found her, never let her go,
Once you have found her, never let her go.

You to me

2011-04-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

You're the other side of the world to me....

I love you because I know no other way....

2011-03-31T04:18:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favourite poems. Always brings a smile to my face. Always reminds me that there are no reasons when it comes to Love. The line that makes most sense to me: Where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

With what do I greet thee?

2011-03-20T04:27:00.000-07:00

When We Two Parted by Lord Byron

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow—
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me—
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:—
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met—
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?—
With silence and tears.

I heard this line the other day in one of my favourite TV shows, Grey’s Anatomy, “This is as bad as it gets. There’s nothing worse that could happen beyond this.” I mean how much can one person hurt, right? How much? 3 months? They say by six months you’ve purged your heart almost and you’re ready to accept the pain and move on, on a conscious level. Subconsciously, you move on when you do not even expect to smile on a sunny day without remembering that you have not remembered the hurt.

The smokescreen is getting worst. Fairytales and dreams are what we are taught to believe like kids and to never give up on them. Like children, we keep up the hope that someday it will be me, my dream.

Hope is all we’ve got and how do we silence the “What ifs”? We try with all our might and with all that is left within us to silence those demons, and all that we are left with is- silence. Rooms and rooms of silence follow me everywhere I go. And even though life is beautiful, that silence has become you. A part of me, a part of you-together forever.

Reasons come and reasons go

2010-12-27T05:19:00.000-08:00

Time has lost its meaning and the days know no season. If I could stop, rewind, replay and redo everything, I would do it all the time. I’ve tried to look through the mist. I’ve tried to search for smiles. I am still searching for a reason to let go and maybe I will never will. More than that, I do not want to find a reason.

Of what good is this life if it were not meant to be lived with the right man. What good is this desire to live, if not for the smile and touch of my best friend. Mistake is just as much a perception. Where O where have thou gone? Does it feel the same without me?

Linen drapes and silken ties, worldly woes and childish cries, do you know the sound of my voice and do you hear me sing?

In a land of neverness, a feeling of sadness seems to grip me forever beneath my skin. I wonder if the seasons will ever turn the same colours for me. I wonder if food will taste the same. I wonder if happiness still has another meaning. I wonder if love means anything beyond us. I wonder if people ever find back their way into love once forgotten. How does one fall back into love when one has erased every emotion that reminds one of a loved one? Isn’t it impossible to feel that that once made you happy but now sad?

Like the deep end of the ocean, with secrets that lie on its ocean bed, for the unfortunate to find lest they meet their fate, I lie still waiting for the storm to calm me down lest I bring upon my own fate! Who will travel those depths to know the ocean?

Wrap a warm blanket around me and sing me a lullaby for the voices within my head are louder than my own. Lock me in a dark room, with black painted walls and gray shadows. I do not want people to figure me out. I do not want to be understood. I want you. I want the man who found me. Who found my smiles and read my thoughts. Who made friendship the best platform between love and nothingness. Who stood and waited till I looked into his eyes and told him, “It’s OK to leave, love and make mistakes.” Who never spent a day without making me feel his day hasn’t begun with my laugh. Who would get my shoes off my feet everyday just to see me squirm. Who would see me eat all the time cause food made me happy and who would slip by my side silently when we both drifted apart. Whose fleeting looks never leave me even when I dream off on a long journey. Whose glances trace my every step as I leave the room just to see me return. Who would reach out his hands to hold my own when we cross the roads. Who would love me till I ask to stop. Who would collect my hair strands from his bed till I mess the sheets again another day. Who would flirt with me when I really get drunk.

They say love happens in a moment but they never tell you how to let go off it. I am still making peace with nothing to hold onto. I am still letting go off. I am still learning to smile without my best friend. I am scared more than anything because I once could see the beauty in everything and today I can see the morbidity that drives one to end his own life. I know what those depraved thoughts feel like. And that is sad. Sadness that I delve in at times.

Today I have realised, the hardest battles are not those fought on the battlefield but those need the sustenance of your self will. I am not letting go off you but I am going to live the way I promised my future grandchildren- a great life to be lived once again! Now I live in your afterglow...

Dedicated to one of my favourite scenes from the movie Avatar :)

Neytiri: You are Omaticaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree. And you may choose a woman. We have many fine women. Ninat is the best singer.
Jake Sully: I don't want Ninat.
Neytiri: Peyral is a good hunter.
Jake Sully: Yes, she is a good hunter. But I've already chosen. But this woman must also choose me.
Neytiri: She already has.

The Serenity Prayer

2010-12-20T23:54:00.000-08:00

God, grant us the... Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways,
the Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and
the Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.

{The serenity prayer is a universal proclamation to God and a prayer for all those who find life a difficult path to trod. This prayer is a part of the 12 step programme adopted for AA and several self help groups. I have always liked it and it has a practical approach that appeals to almost everybody. So go on and say it and let it make sense to you when it has to :)}

Sing along your way

2010-11-18T00:33:00.000-08:00

I think everybody must have their “FREEDOM” song to listen to once in a while. That one number that makes you feel you can conquer the world, that nothing really matters except that your happiness and presence in that moment. Today, I found my 100^th song that makes me feel happy, and it is all over Facebook and where not! Rihanna’s Only Girl in the World reminds me of my teen years, all that’s so good and not so good-but it was me.

I wish I could make this permanent bubble of craziness. In months, I’ve felt such a relief from everything-family, work, friends and everything that consumes the core of you when you so want to conquer the world. Ironic, yes but before I get that feeling of being someone else’s mule, I’m shaking my booty to Rihanna.

Have fun and do something crazy, laugh at yourself.

HERE'S THE LINK FOR MY FREEDOM SONG:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa14VNsdSYM

A message for you

2010-10-23T04:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Stranger-searching-for-an-answer,

It is one thing to mull on your past and it is another thing to foresee your happiness :) Today, I saw a smiling content vision of the future.
A few months ago, one of my posts claimed of a future filled with love and oppotunities of which I have achieved each one of them apart from the frigging love handles that refuse to leave me ...lol. I still evoke strong sentiments from peers with regards to my overshot BMI index. Aah! promises to lose weight are now seeming frequent. But My will is still strong. I have two months more to prove myself right. But if I do, I promise to flash a Hot Sexy Million dollar worth Picture of me :) I am so screwed now! hehehe..
Love, yes has happened with someone special and will remain so. I am going to paint a 1000 words for all to read about that soon. Yay!
Work is pretty varied. I like. I stress. Don't like. I am looking for a change to entice me, make me go with my heart...I know I will find it soon. I already foresaw my future this year and I am ridin' fine. So why I am I writing this? Well, to tell you all that you can get what you want, when you want and to expect more than you can. I shall tell you how and those who really need help can get in touch through email.

For most people, this might sound absurd and crap but the ones who know me would know what I mean. I have always been a woman of gut instinct. I have no answers to 'Why I do not feel Virat Kohli will not play in his next test match' or 'Why your latest love is a completely no-no for you' or 'the fact that I am going to live till 90'. Hahaha... Yes, Some ask me to predict the future, and some ask for the closing index at the stock markets.

No I am not a fortune-teller. I happen to listen to my heart more often than not which also means I land up bruising myself more than any one else. I also listen to what YOUR HEART feels :) How is that! That is why I can tell you what will work for you. My message to you, you two lovely eyes reading me, is that - It is all within you. You are capable of seeing your future and you need no Linda Goodman to do it.
Tune in to what your heart feels, what makes you happy, sad, angry. Observe people, listen, listen and listen! Shut up as often as you can. Wisdom is revealed in moments of silence and is a gift and blessing from God. The phrase, 'Wisdom of the sages' comes from this adage.

When you feel all lost, hurt and absolutely at the edge of a cliff, and you get this feeling that your life means nothing to no one, remember one thing- That this is perception twisted, blurred with your stoopid confused ways. Take a step back, breathe, pause, reflect like a third person. In moments like these, you should always switch off to a silent YOU. Talk to God my friend. Talk and tell him your heart. If sadness weighs you down, just be. Just lie still. The Lord Almighty stands before you EVERYDAY, EVERY TIME, EVERYWHERE - Believe in his omnipresence! Even if you don't just stand still, give him the benefit of doubt that probably HE might be sipping JD on the rocks at a sleek jazz bar, with soft piano tunes floating in the wispy air, watching you, waiting for him to act. He knows everything that you tell and that you do not tell. He knows your heart before you can even decide. When you give God a chance to act on your life, your confusion will vanish and Answers will come. The journey won't confuse you. The future will not impose any fear. And you begin to see things clear for yourself and for others.

The reason I am writing this piece today is because I feel you need me today to hear this message (I do not know who you are but I have a feeling you will stumble upon this piece of mine soon) Yes, it is a message for your soul and I am here to convey it- you are blessed and your future is as bright as the sunlight sunflowers swaying in green fields :) And that you are loved by many, open your heart and your arms and let the floodgates of compassion fill your arms.

Stay blessed, smile and walk barefeet...someone out there wishes they could just do this and be like you... :)

From an angel

Waiting for you

2010-09-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

I want you, I need you
Now, not tomorrow
Shivers run down my spine
In my shadow I disappear

Hold me, stronger than the smell of roses
Feel me, like the water flowing through your fingers
See me, like you see you
Love me, like the embrace forever

Oh! pain is but a sweet agony
For with it comes sweeter endings
Sifting through walls in dreams
I know nothing but the memory of you

I will wait, wait till you come by
Wait till love sees a way out
Wait till fear is fearless
Wait till wait is no more...

Forever yours

2010-07-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

You are my body, my soul, my spirit within

I know that me because of you
You are the beginning of everything sweet and lasting
If I had all the treasures of this world

It would still not suffice my endless need for you

You see me like the north star, shining just for you

I shine in your gaze, I sing along your praise

You make the world my palace of love and joy

I want a picture of forever and you give me that too

Aren't you awesome, super, inexplicable?

I am madly in love with your ways

I never want to stray,
I am for you and you for me, my LORD.

The Monster of Ecstacyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

2010-04-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

Love me, hate me

I want it all

I don't want your sop shit,

No tears, no "be good"

I want my dazzle,
I want my dude

Where do I stand to breathe?

Where do I find my peace?
Curled like a baby,
I wait for the stars,

Show me your smile,
just for a while

Let me hold you,
stronger than the tide

Don't wake me now,

Don't walk away,

My sheets are crisp and white today

The Nights are painful,

The days are cold

I need that warmth, I need that glow.

Push me far, pull me close

Tug my skirt, kiss my nose

Slide my hair and breathe my skin

Tell me more, build that steam

Laugh with me, lock my legs

Feel my neck, my breath within

Crackles of flames flicker the room

My heart sings a lover's tune

I want to yell, and break the walls

Break every charm, brace those arms.

Dig those claws and dig them deep

Show me what it feels to weep

In love, in pain, in joy and sorrow
Set me ablaze with your desire.

Let me take you to my soul

I'll set you free

I'll make you me

Let's get lost together

All night long, all day long

Stuck to my back like a haversack

Scribble your name on my tum

Tickle the girl who makes you hum

Pin me down, pin me hard

Shut that gob and do it right
Make it last, with the dim dim lights

Smell my hair, smell my skin

Love me like Romeo's twin
Wake me then and let me be
Till I glow and smile like me.

****************************************

On an absolute boring evening post work, I was blah, aah and naaah.

My world, my world

2010-04-05T05:48:00.000-07:00

I need to sleep
I need a hug
Not a lover of a bug.

I care for me
I care for thee
I do not care for society.

If love be all
Then I want you
If not, then pass me my Jimmy Choo.

I walk to break free
From you and me
I stop to see,
What do people love to be?

I want to kiss
Like a freak on the road
I want to dance
Like a stripper on pole.

Roll on the drums
Paper rockets afloat
The sound of my world
Is better than this rote.

I want to throw paints of gold
Splash my world in tints of mould
Hang on a rope and sing for my life
For the truth pierces like the blade of a knife.

Hellos To Moi

2010-02-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

Hi Myself,

A thought crossed me by today. About my writing mostly :) other than my overcrowded social calendar (trust me, I could have my family attending half of them on my behalf!)
Coming back to my writing and mostly my miserable blogging skills, I've come to realise that I write only when I feel the most about anything. Death, Depression and Break ups are the best inspirations to hidden aspirations of life or rather the cruel wake up calls to living it completely.
Looking at my archives, I also noticed that 2009 just swooned by.
For those who are following me (Hiiiiiiiii) and for those who have simply chanced upon my resurrected blog, well I spent the entire year purging, rediscovering me, living life and most of all getting back to a healthy lifestyle. The year before that, I was in an unmentionable relationship that made me a stronger, wiser, and a better human being (in other words that seven -headed monster of an ex just showed me what I never ever want in my partner EVER AGAIN).

Then you would say, That I have already posted something below before my welcome note. That is actually the exact reason why I decided to brief you about me. It is a poem for someone who has inspired me to fall in LOVE, again. To believe, hope and pray for it.

Today and especially this year, I believe that I will fall in LOVE soon and so will wait for it, I plan to take what's rightfully mine (My Job Desig), to not be afraid of following my dream (To be a travel writer and photographer), to drop 10 kgs more, to learn a language (because I've always loved languages), to learn atleast one dance style (since I party less..lol), to hone my god-given talent of singing and to create a bucket list every 6 months. YES, I will do this. I have already accomplished the first one too many times. This time I believe GOD has set the best takeout for me, the second, too, has been achieved all in the matter of a month and the rest will follow soon.

I know life can be a real chewing gum stuck in the hair at times, but this is all I know - TO HOPE, BELIEVE AND PRAY. And My prayers go out to all who read this, that your families are blessed today and that your lives may be enriched just like mine.

God bless you :)

Peace
I

Till then

2010-02-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

I hope you find a season, forever to cherish.
I hope you find a hand to hold when all alone.
I hope you find a smile to make your day.
I hope you find a dream to show you the way.
I hope you find beauty, I hope you find passion.
I hope you find a moment, forever to love.
I hope you find shade, when all tires you out.
I hope you find you, and all that you're about.
I hope you sail the years, with all the world's peace.
I hope for you cause that's all I get to feel.
An endless hope like the ocean's abyss.
I keep longing once more for your caress.
Till then will this charm always be?
Will You still be you and I be me?
In your wait a silent prayer I say,
To keep the faith that blind men see,
Till then, I'll be waiting at the door for you to find me.

Till We Meet Again...

2008-08-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today I have to live
Today I have to see
Today I know my heart
Today I ask for tomorrow
Today I look back on yesterday
I kept dreaming about today, today
And then a soft voice whispered
It's today, where're you lost.

Can you find those strange butterflies? I feel them no more. They were a part of my yesterday. I think, I felt nice and young. Today, I wonder, I know not anymore what I feel. Or probably, I'm too busy to feel.
I see myself through spinning glass doors, wishing through those hallways, I reached your room. I smelt the mahogany handle, no surprises! She was there too! She was always there. Mostly before I was there, and most surely after I left.
I told myself I was dreaming and kept waking each day with a smile only to find her smell linger on my wardrobe.
Months went by and I still kept dreaming of today. A horrid smell of burnt charcoal pervaded the room and I burst into a sweat. Was I still dreaming or am I really wishing her to die? I ran from room to room, wishing my palace were just a room. I screamed your name again and again hoping you would find me, save me. BOOM! The bang of bright fire burst through the doors and I fell off the staircase. The flames began to rise up the curtains while my body lay bruised on the floor. I saw her draggin you with her. Oh! I wish I were burning down myself,my heart and you than seeing that ghost of a nymph drag you away....

Like thunderous hooves the fire flamed, my body begging every breath...There's nothing that can change my last moment, your whispers float in the wind...hmm...at last,I can bereave my dolor...my charred flesh, once like a flower, now languishes along the wooden floor...

You walk through that door, I can feel my smile yearning for your touch...You came back for me, I knew you would, you always did...All of a sudden I felt Like yours. Yes, I am yours once again. Those arms of hope and together were us, for years and years. As i bask in that embrace, you lead me out of my house..Butterflies sing that merry song, the skies have a soft blue...Your face is an angelic picture shining through my black strands...you were crazy about them...I looked up and loved us...To myself, I say, 'We are the last chapter of lives together'..Until..Until...........................................

............................................................................................................................................................

I saw those pearly gates close on us, and I smiled...You were the last memory before I closed my eyes...

Farewell Ebrahim,farewell

2007-12-21T07:12:00.000-08:00

Dearest darling Ebrahim,

Why? Why Ebrahim Why ? Couldn't you have waited a little longer. Did the world fall short of space for you? Or were you too incomprehensible for this universe? Maybe the latter.

My heart is still bleeding...it only cries Ebrahim ...searching for you. Come back sweetheart,come back.

You always wanted the world to remember you as 'somebody who not just lived, but showed the real way to live'. Now what does the world have to remember?

The Silence is eating onto me. When they said you died-I called you up, again and again. Wanted to hear you chuckle in that infamous way, saying, "Caught ya." Couldn't this have been one of your pranks? My folks remember you as the prankster. My ma cried like my daughter for you.

What am i supposed to do with all the times we shared Ebrahim? The hours of non-sense chit-chat, your sexcapdes, your girlfriends, your life, your misery?You gave me my first bike ride. You took me out on my first car drive. You gave me my first designer perfume. Not a single birthday of mine have you missed. Now who do I count on to surprise me? We have spent drunk moments on Worli sea face talking of OSHO. Shee!You loved that sick bastard and his fuck all philosophies,but i heard them all for you. I tried and played my part. Or not? How do i even know that,now that yr not here.

When they said you killed yourself,my world stopped. it felt like someone cut off my hands.

I wish you could have seen your mother in her misery-yelling and crying out to Allah to give her her piece of her heart back and she would ask no more- or your sister who kept saying "Bhai, bhai" in her stupor.

What have you left each of us with Ebrahim? We don't want it, we want YOU.

You left your story incomplete pal. Its time for us to pen down the rest.

It takes a lot to choose to be different and you had the courage. You were never a victim of religious banterings,n all friends knew that. You had a heart, only a few knew before knowing you as 'the brat'. You would give a hand and a leg for your mother and sister,they meant the world to you. You always brought a smile onto a wrinkled face, remembered the forgotten people. You cared, my friend, you did. And you did not let anyone know,thats what made you a great guy.

I shall never know the answers to why you hanged yourself. But I do know that I will always miss you. That it will be very hard to make a trip to Pune, when I could not have done it for you. That I forgave you years ago for acting stupid with me.

You're free Ebrahim ,free from all bondage. Sing a song with the angels and tell me which one you liked the most*winks. I'll wait for your call....Farewell

Yours,

Sexy Irene a.k.a Moti

Hallucinating Angel

2007-12-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sittin at my desk-bored,confused,irritated and worst- sad.

To lose a part of you could be the worst feelin ever to experience. Nothing you can do to make it go away-no bantering, no raving, no sleeping,no dreaming.

Tears don tell my tales no more. A shadow of me I have become.

To dream to get what you long for and then long to wake up in reality. Is this a joke?Maybe. Cos everyone seems to be laughing.

I want to laugh again, make me laugh.

Put me to sleep, let me dream.Another dream,please.

Dizzle Dazzle,Hiccups Uninterrupted....

2007-12-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

Empty spaces, black faces,
Shadow smiles, wispy images,
Smoke rings, BLANK me.

Faded dreams, staggering footsteps,
Mumble,mumble...talk to me,
Drowning voices, silent screams,
Colours of the world.

A world of my own,
Reality fading to my world,
Losing my balance,
Tipping my glass off,
One more peg-I need it.

I need to see my world,
My colours, my dreams,
I need to get lost,
I need my sweet cauldron of pain.

Groping for hope,
Helping hands to hold me,
Lift my head to see clearly,
No one i see,
But the shadow of me.

Pour me that glass,
Sink in that feeling,
Thru' smothered whispers and
Empty glasses of wine,
I say to myself,
"Ooh baby! I'm doing fine."

Stab that achy breaky HEART

2007-11-20T01:43:00.000-08:00

Your first stage appearance-it's the only beat you can hear
Your first crush-you wear it on your sleeve
You’re confused- you follow it
You win-it has a nuclear effect
You lose-it has a whirlpool effect
You run-it eats the life out of you
You sleep-it breathes life into you
In love-it gives you wings
In hurt-it leaves you nowhere…..

Mind: Why ??? why you piece of flesh? Why does my master listen to you always? Don’t you have a place for hell? You do feel everything possible…don’t you feel hurt? To choose you, is to choose hurt.
Heart: Everyone’s different. I’m from a different race. We don’t think and act like the rest. Your master chose me. I did not.

Mind: Why don’t you fuck yourself somewhere? Or probably you did? You a virgin? I’m not. I get mind-fucked everyday. Would you be still be if you were fucked and hurt a zillion times?
They call that stupid, you know…Answer me..you bitch…
Heart : I’m what I am. My stupidity defines hope for many. I still crash and burn…but I’m stronger than you think

Mind: Oh really! Then why don’t you find yourself a different abode…you are screwing me every time, miss fancy
Heart: Mr fickle-minded, why don’t you for once make up your mind. And don’t blame me for your idiosyncrasies…you don’t know what you want…I ALWAYS know what I want.

Mind: Now now now ….who comes up with logic, practicality and sense? Every time I make up my mind, you hustle with me. Have you no heart for your master? For you always bring him feelings of pain and guilt. Because of you, I have to accommodate new entries and memories to an already stashed up house of mine. Where am I supposed to make place for these new memories? Why! you don’t even want to erase the older ones!
Heart: Hey, I would have if my master were a gentleman. But what do I do? I'm born to a lady. She loves to play war with us two.

Mind: So lets play together-fair and square.
Heart: Lets play in circles.

Mind: You are pissing me off! I think I’m going to stab you.
Heart: Honey before that I will kill you with beer and whisky….

PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE CANDY SHOP...

2007-08-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

If you were an Arts student (female) or a Life Science’s student (like me) or a part of a fashion editorial team (not like me), you would know the optical satisfaction of just glancing upon some "eye-candy." Yes! All of us ladies out there know the scarcity in our fields (the ones I mentioned above) of such wanted (said in a very slow emphasizing accent), therapeutic men in our organisations.

Year after year, every batch of the Life Science’s Department(read as the female species that included the female profs too), those that passed out and those that graduated to the next class, would always discuss the most coveted topic of boys. We always felt they were less, but on an optimistic note “something better than nothing," while the ladies from the Art’s section always felt we were the luckiest with “sooo manyyy hotttt guyyyyeees”(said a squeaky shrilly voice). And that bought me to wonder- WHO MOVED MY MEAT?

If you are a lovely gentleman reading this exclusive blog piece of mine, you would be enlightened to know this part of us- the breed of not-so-desperate, hard-working, independent, level-headed, and normal women. It’s as simple as a man rather having a swimsuit calendar on his table than a family photo. Oh! The joy of simply feasting your eyes on something that was obviously made for us can’t beat the list of little things that make us smile and get thru the day. We aren’t cradle snatchers, or shameless lechers or a bunch of bored hormones surveying for flesh. We also, and I must add at this point, are very much pleased with our boyfriends, husbands, flings, asexual entities that give us happiness, and last but not the least our families and friends (for singles, like me).

We are also very much surrounded by the latest technology and gadgets, in my case “breaking news”, but I think what we would really appreciate is seeing God’s creation with a dash of attitude, a flash of style and loads of pheromones to get us on that wild imagination. Not that our brains are not constantly on hire. But a lil bit of beauty exercise, I guess, would do wonders for those tired brain cells.

Your non-existence is a topic that finds its way in our lunch time, pantry time and hiring time. You would be amused if you were to see the kind of expressions you got. That is, if you existed in our presence. For instance, the dazed look amidst an important edit meet just while you cross our line of vision, or that smirky smile when you know that potential fish could be your catch(in a hypothetical world we almost always live in) and sometimes that twirling of the hair or the removal of a hair band to set those goldilocks free. Can you imagine you get all of this and don’t even know it? Not that now that you know it, the next time you walk past by us you will notice it. Mind you, it’s an art mastered over the years. Just remember that we are always looking at you or, for the optimistic like me, for you.

Then why aren’t there enough candies? And if there are, then please take me to the candy shop…

Pieces of me...

2007-06-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

I looked at myself, again for the zillionth time, in my mirror. Been doing it for 23 years. My face looks the same, a little different over the years. I know of this fact only bcos I have pictures of myself to substantiate this fact. Beauty seems to play hide and seek. Sometimes with thoughts, sometimes with my mind. Sometimes through magazines, sometimes through wise talk. Sometimes, through the mirror. Happiness, her friend and confidante, does the same to me. Too much of play and my mirror has cracked. Is it unlucky? I laugh, well it’s been 16 days and I’m the way I used to be, always the same since 23 years. For that matter, I even travelled Bangalore on the same day and I had a ball.

I look for??? I want??? I’m drifting from my ground. Need a breather. The heights rare are dizzying me out. The levels of unknown moments tick me off. I'd there a world I belong to? I need to be there soon. This place is scary. I’ve stayed long enough and know nothing. Isn’t that supposed to be scary? I’ve lost myself in the process. I wait for that cracked mirror to tell me a different story. But it doesn’t. It remains a cracked mirror only. So I’m sound, the mirror is well-behaved, which brings me to think, people are liars. Or simply, idiots. Then whom do I listen to? I am lost, they are idiots and my search is killing me, the rest of me. The confines of my abode snuggle my thoughts.
I feel like an embryo in my mother's womb- safe, reassured and happy. I walk towards my broken mirror. Pieces of reflection glare at me. Distorted, but its all part of beautiful me. The corners of my mouth, find a smile, a rare moment these days.

In my cracked mirror, I find my answers. The lines are showing on my face, clearer. Pictures need not be taken as proof of my life lived. I see the picture clearly. Expecting a future of answers is a journey made in waste. What options does a hopeless soul have? None, through the mist, you make your way. Ask no questions, seek no answers. Cause life is not what we were meant to live. It’s not permanent. Does an ephemeral existence have any answers? Its life beyond death, that’s permanent. Known otherwise as eternal life, all unanswered questions vanish. After all, birth is only the beginning of death.

DREAM ON…

2007-06-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

When Steven Tyler yelled, "howya doin' Mumbai?", I was der....in BANGALORE

Thunderous applauses,flashing snapshots of the band whilst the picking rhythm of bass n drums...smoke, flashlights and Voila! the sweet smell of sex,drugs n rock n' roll....n im wid me,myself n AEROSMITH....

You never reason out why you spent nearly 6k, travelled for 22hrs by bus,get conned mercilessly by auto drivers, stand for 41/2hrs with an injured foot and knapsack, face your fear of heights, literally while flying by a substandard airline that assures you nothing about safety,let alone yr fucking fear and all that for a 60-year-old rocker…that too all alone.yes all by myself.
Haha…well not really, I did travel all the way to b’lore for the aerosmith concert with a bunch of absolute strangers. After a grueling sick journey of 22 hrs odd and with the magic of 2 tabs of avomin(I suffer frm terrible motion sickness), I finally reached the IT city.

OOPs moments
For my FIRST concert, this was the best unforgettable experience not only bcos of the legendary steven or the sexy Joe fuckin Perry, but becos of the few funny instances that occurred for the most rockin event of the year…the first to hit the list is when steve actually addressed BANGALORE AS MUMBAI.
STEVE: Hey India, We Love You
FANS: HEYYYYYY(BLURRR IT)
STEVE: "Howya Doin' Mumbai?",
FANS: not a yell, not silence…jus a weird murmur
Some guy frm the crowd actually screamt, “sutta kar ke aya hain kya?”hehehehe…yea baby I gues the trippin was full on…

The next to top it all was a statue of the lord ganesha besides the drummer Brad Whitford…what in the world was that supposed to mean? Lol I dunno what image India holds for the rest of the world but for a hard core rocker also known as ‘The Demon Of Screamin’, the presence of a god was an absolute antithesis to whatever….again a spontanesous voice yelled, “Saala benchoth, Mumbai main hota toh B**l*s*h*b uski band baja deta..”lol….

And finally you don address in Hindi to yr b’lore fans, taken for granted that fans from Mumbai care four fucks for who says what except that music is their sole religion. To which a stoned fan replied, “Fucker I paid to hear you rock, not speak in Hindi.”

The experience
All in all hats off the Aerosmith’s magical stage presence. It simply is amazing…I was alone yet nt alone…but when throngs of fans hold that one moment in their hearts that take care of all their memories ever created with their songs and couple this with the band’s passion and presence…it defines a magical moment that keeps you enthralled n in one, as part of a something bigger than life. Every fan is unique, majority of which know the birth and life history of their mentors. I know nothing abt the band besides their names. But what I do know is what the band gave to me when I needed the most,that connection to all yr life’s graph lines. The amount of times I hv connected with their songs and the kind of special connections that I hv shared with frnds is something you cant explain,like any beautiful experience. Crooning away to the lyrics of every single number and with every single thought of all my friends bk in Mumbai,times spent with them and moments that you live each time the songs play by….yes I lived a lifetime experience with the most closest band of my adolescent days.

Me, Myself and Irene
And why I did what I did? I love music and am a fan of several groups but as I was crooning my way thru the concert I realised the Aerosmith fan in me. Actually speakin, the whole experience sunk into me not when I was a teenager or whjen I purchased the tiks or even when I was screamin amongst the hundreds of fans but when I was flyin back. For a girl like me who doesn’t even use the office elevator to the sixth flr jus bcz I suffer frm motion sickness, to travel in an aircraft whr I sat all alone, bracing my fears made me realise the fan in me. I reached Mumbai and the faces of my parents were that of the actor Utpal Dutt;a constant expression of disgust and disbelief that their daughter took off impromptu all by herself to a new city, who has given an exceptional definition on “How to get broke in no time for a 60-yr-old.”

I guess for me it was my tribute to the group that made my life so simple and unforgettable. And it was just the rock n’roll for me, no sex,no drugs. (Well what the hell do you expect? I was “alone”)

Fossilized memories

2007-05-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

Seven days ago i seen the reality of life.I'm glad i did,jus wen i was abt to sit n analyse hw important it is to conform to the norms of this world,in order to live a suitable life!I wonder if i wd hv realised it all by merely skimming thru the ochre pages of a well written novel,perhaps a best seller or jus flicking the remote button to hear wise nuthings to mk sense of yr self.

I turned 23 abt 23 days ago{well i startd writin dis pc a day b4:)},n i tot i hit it like big time...ppl,moments,gifts,yrs all amalgamated into one cloud of hope dat stayed wid me fer dat day..."woohoo" i screamt in my lil head,not empty i assure u,"im an old lady."hehehe...or was i still waitin fer another bday wisher to tell me otherwise?with the years come the eternal reminders of blissful youth in a not so appealin manner frm yr mother who subtly slips the fact of marriage...it got me thinkin-wat do i need to assure tht my ageing or eternal youthful assurance stays perfectly normal with my thinkin n insecurities?Yes,this is one truth i NEVER share.i'm mortally afraid of wrinkles n crows feet,for dat matter even spectacles...n the last thg u need is yr maternal n paternal aunts whackin the marriage crap into u to mk u understd dat old age(n my undisclosed fear) wd be really bearable wid a companion...

Sunday morning,the early sun shone its way into the living room of the octogenarian Effie Carvalho.Vacuous eyes told a tale of strength and hope and of a lady, who breathed french into everythg she dvelved in.Sitting like in a state of rigour motur,I watched those same eyes that looked at me lk a stranger.I knew of Effie's condition even wen i was tutored by her.But a good teacherr aint worth cheatin,the loss is always yrs...I sat there introducing myself to her as if for the first time.In response i got the vapid look...the maid looked at me as if i was wasting my tim...she was employed full time for the old lady,tho aunt edna,who took me bk home to effie,was happy to play dumb wid me...Her son,one of the twins,was down frm abroad performin the sunday ritual of cleaning the house.He walked past by several times,making me feel comfortable n one wid the furniture,besides his mother who stared aimlessly at the television set displayin a non-descript hindi movie.Nevertheless,i went on wid the usual jabber of my life n then onto the tuition days where i reminded her of her late beloved pulling her legs durin classes...
The carvalhos were a content family of 2 girls,the twin brothers and a diabetic father,now no more.Baylon carvalho always said,"My wife shall forget my name,my daily doses n probbly her name too,but she can never,damn it! forget tht french of hers."This was the constant cribbing of her husband during the french tutions i used to take from her.
The lady who made sure i din forget a word,today was sitting before me not gettin get a word of what i was sayin.an awkward silent moment passed by not until an aged voice in the room spoke..."are you dominic's grandchild?my cousin delphine's grand-daughter?"barring my frozen shock,wre the frozen figurees of the rest present in the room.All that moved were was her carcked lips while her son,sis-in-law n maid looked at nana teary-eyed.It was effie's first recollection.i suppose in years since i left 5yrs ago.apparently,she din remmbr nethg nt even her own.As i left the place,promisin to return bk,thnkful eyes greeted my way out hopin dat i wd keep up to it,moreso fer themselves...
did effie knw dat her son was der jus to see his mother remmbr him fer one las time before she closed her eyes?dat he gv up his time to be wid her?dat her loved ones still cared for her to live on as long as she cd, the way she cd.n all dat effie remmbered was her beloved n,ofcourse French....

I walked bk home.thinkin abt all dat happ.no,i wasnt considerin spendin the rest of my life as a wise decision of my bday naggin...but,yes the wrinkles wd be worth adorning for that one 'beloved'........And 23 will do jus fine...

“AMBI” VALLEY

2007-02-16T03:49:00.000-08:00

We search all our lives for that one piece of hope/love/moment. Basically, all our lives we run, run, and run; hoping to find that reason why we are here? Like my friend tanvi’s nick goes- searching for my piece of sky.. Nice TannyJ probably the key word out here is ‘contentment’ and when we find it we know we are at peace, at home. And our parents have always told us to follow our hearts..Yes mom. Yes dad. We are happy till we start off the rat race. And man, as much as we hate it we want to run that blood sucking, soul wrenching, cut-throat, shallow race. Well did we choose to race? (thinking) did we have a choice? Hmm, tricky one.. “No” is my answer. Its like relay. Our parents raced and now the baton is passed on to us. They rest and tell us what to anticipate in the race. They tell us we will be rewarded as long as we can race. We have no bloody clue but we know we got to race. We race. We tire. We are unhappy. But there, we see our loved ones cheering us with praises and bragging our tales..Some of us think “Now I cant leave the race, I’ve got to keep up.” Others think, “I have ran enough, I need a break.” Another set of us scream, “Hmm…this aint enough..me wanna run more.” For those who quit the race, we call them “Losers”. Those who continue racing, we call them “Ambitious”. There are a whole lot of adages given to us participants, but these two categories are my favourites.
HYPPOCRITES!!! Fucking hypocrites we all are. We hate the race. We have been there. We know the truth. How does one draw the line between contentment and defeat? Is it so that the point of contentment when reached defines the point of non-ambitiousness? Who draws the line for anybody? Why has ambition or “the race” being overrated by us, who already know the farce of it? Does that mean those who choose a life other than the rat race are leading a pointless life?
And you know what? Ambi valley will still be there. Losers. Winners. Complacents. All are awaited to be a part of it. And well, they DO have a choice. So SHUT UP and RACE or just SHUT UP.

Drain away, laugh away…away from here, away from me

2007-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

A ray of sunlight seen from the waters beneath
That’s my wish to see me again
Deep down, I lie, lie so still,
All I can hear the winds from afar
Wait don’t go, take me with you
Let me live my life for me
Myself no more, will I be
Without you, I know no other me
Each day I mask my face
My mind steals a glance
Of the person I once was
And in pain I shrug my shoulders
I laugh away my thoughts
Maybe in vain I’m wandering
A hopeless future daunting
I smell the stale cold cup of tea
Like every morning,
Today too, I pour it down the sink
Wish I could empty
All the sea of fear
Just like that….
Just like the way
A broken barrel of beer drains away
Efforts to stop all gone to nothing
Still I walk up the stairs
Holding onto myself, my light
As the door keys turn
I’m a prisoner to you, a prisoner of yore